


Hallowe'en 1981

by CypressWand



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Gen, Godric's Hollow, Hogwarts, Malfoy Manor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-03
Updated: 2019-05-03
Packaged: 2020-02-16 18:21:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,139
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18696814
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CypressWand/pseuds/CypressWand
Summary: A short story about that unfaithful night at Godric's Hollow and how it had altered Snape's life for good.





	1. Malfoy Manor, Wiltshire

'The weather's dreadful,' said Narcissa with a bored tone in her voice, and eyed the rain clad windows while cradling a glass of wine between her fingers.

Severus looked up at her through a curtain of black hair. 'It is,' he responded, suppressing a sneer.

Small talk had always made him feel uncomfortable, and was annoyed that Narcissa was persistent on having one anyway.

Narcissa's blue eyes tore away from the window and found Severus's black ones. Severus arched his back, trying to sit up a little straighter.

'Are you not going to drink your wine?' she asked. Severus realised that both his hands were wrapped rather tightly around his glass. 'I'm not thirsty,' he muttered while placing the glass back on the table.

Of course, Narcissa didn't know the true reason for Severus's aversion to drinking. His father had been an alcoholic. Leaving bruises on his fragile body in the same colours as the alcohol that caused it. He looked down at the purple-blue wine gently swaying in his glass. He felt repulsed.

'You seem tense, Severus,' said Narcissa while taking a meagre sip from her own wine. Severus wasn't quite sure how to respond to that. Normally he was very well reserved, with his back straightened and his occlumency shield up high.

Today however, he was having trouble focusing. After a moment of contemplation he said, 'excuse me Narcissa, I need some fresh air'. Narcissa nodded and Severus left the table, opened the sliding door that let to the balcony and closed the door behind him. Above him hung a stained glass canopy, magnifying the sound of the pouring rain that was scattering around him.

He rummaged in the pockets of his robes and pulled out a pack of cigarettes. The carton already half empty. He took a cigarette from the pack and balanced it between his lips. With a snap of his fingers he lit it, inhaled deeply, and felt the nicotine flowing through his veins, calming his senses.

He leaned against the stone ledge, dumping ash into the ashtray beside him. He closed his eyes, listening intensely to the amplified sound of the rain above him.

... ... ...

'We're nearly there Sev!' said Lily enthusiastically. 'Finally!' he panted back. They had been running away from the feast in the great hall and up the many flights of staircases that let to the top of the Astronomy Tower. As soon as they had reached the top Lily let go of his arm. He wished she hadn't.

Dark clouds were swallowing up the night sky. The tension in the air was prominent. There was a distant rumbling of thunder and the scent of rain that would soon start to fall was lingering in the still air.

It felt like magic. Old magic.

The two friends sat down next to each other on the floor near the ledge of the tower. 'I brought something with me,' said Lily with a mischievous twinkle in her eyes. Severus turned to answer her gaze. 'It is cigarettes?' he asked desirously. 'You got that right,' she said as she pulled a brand new pack from her robes. 'I stole them from _Vernon_ shortly before we went back to school'. She said the name Vernon with as much loathing on her face as she did when dissecting a particularly slimy Flobberworm for potions. 'He shouldn't complain though. Tuney hates it when he smokes'.

'You're always so daring Lily,' said Severus. 'That would be my stupid Gryffindorian recklessness, remember?' she replied teasingly. All Severus could do was grin. He _did_ call it that whenever she did something reckless.

She fumbled with the pack and pulled out two cigarettes. 'I learned a new trick,' she said. 'Watch me.' She pressed her middle finger and thumb in front of the cigarette that she held between her lips. With a loud snap of her fingers, a spark ignited the tip of her cigarette. 'Pretty cool don't you think?' she said as she released smoke from her lungs.

Severus had looked at her in awe. It reminded him of the first time he saw her at the playground. Giving life to a flower through a spark of energy. Now she had done it again. Only this time the energy came in the form of fire.

'Can you teach me?'

'Of course.'

Severus placed the cigarette between his lips. Lily held her own cigarette in one hand and instructed with the other. 'Now what you need to do, is focus intensely on where you want to aim your energy. So, instead of just aiming for the tip of the cigarette, rather aim for that tiny strand of tobacco that's sticking out at the end.' Severus nodded in understanding. Lily took Severus's left hand into her right, placing middle finger and thumb together.

'Try snapping it like I did.'

No sound came out.

'Try again.'

No sound again.

She felt his fingers. 'You can't do it when your hands are all clammy,' she said as she gently rubbed his fingers in her hand to make them dry. Severus let his hair cover his eyes, obscuring the blush that had appeared on his face.

'Try again.'

After several more attempts he managed to produce a sound. A small spark ignited between his fingers.

'You nearly got it,' said Lily happily. She laid down on her back beside him, enjoying her cigarette. Just as Severus gave another attempt to snap with his fingers, thunder and rain rolled in like an ancient war drum. Severus jumped at the unexpected cacophony, and let out an involuntary gasp.

Lily laughed in delight. 'You're not going to tell me you're afraid of thunder now are you?' she said while gently nudging him in the ribs with her elbow.

'I'm not afraid,' he said irritably. 'Then prove it!' she said while raising her eyebrows in a teasingly manner. 'Or are you a coward, Severus?'

'I'm not a coward!' he scowled back. His face looked livid. Lily did not seem to be bothered by his sudden burst of outrage. 'Then prove it,' she said again.

'Fine!' Severus got up, tossed his cigarette and his cloak aside, and walked up towards the ledge. He clasped both his hands around the narrow copper beam. He looked down. The rain masked the intense depths of the grounds, hundreds of feet below. An intense desire had started to burn inside of him to prove that he was not a coward. He glanced back at Lily who had sat back up with a snap, staring at him intently.

He clasped one hand around the beam that held up the roof, and he set his left foot on the ledge. 'Noooo Sev!' Lily yelled, but Severus didn't listen. He placed his right foot beside the other. His hand let go of the beam, and there he stood perfectly balanced. Between danger and safety. Between life and death. The rain pouring onto his face.

Lily approached him carefully. He had his arms outstretched for balance, gently swaying in the upturning wind. His eyes were staring miles into the black abyss. Lightning was jumping from cloud to cloud, lighting up his face. It was a terrifyingly impressive sight to behold.

'Could you please step away from the ledge Sev,' Lily whispered.

'Please don't do this to me,' her soft voice turning into a plea.

'Please come down, Sev'.

'Sev…'

'Severus, please come down!' her voice now shaking with anger and fear.

Severus slowly turned his face and locked his black eyes into her red-rimmed green.

'Why are you afraid, Lily?'

Lily took a moment, unsure of what to say.

'Because I love you, Sev,' she said with a trembling voice. She lifted her hand to wipe away a tear that had formed in the corner of her eye. Severus's unreadable face had turned into a look of surprise. Her words had thrown him off-guard entirely.

'Lily…'

'Severus…please.'

He crouched down and touched the floor gently with his feet. He held out his arms and Lily locked into his embrace, her head resting on his shoulder. Dry sobs muffled by the fabric of his robes. 'Why did you have to do that Sev?'

'Because I'm not a coward.'

'No of course you're not you blithering idiot! Do you really think I'd give a damn how daring you are? You could have fallen down Sev…you could have died!'

'I'm sorry Lily,' he whispered into her ear.

'I'm sorry,' he said again, his head hanging low. 'Do you want to go down to the feast perhaps?'

'No I don't. We always come here together on Hallowe'en. I just want to be with you.'

'Do you want to sit down?'

'Yes,' she said with a shiver.

'Are you cold?'

Lily nodded. The hurt in her eyes still hadn't fully subsided.

'Please, sit down,' he said with a gesture to the floor.

He placed a quick drying charm on himself and a warming charm on the cloak that he had left on the floor. What he did next was something that took a lot more courage than standing on the ledge had done for him. He sat down behind her, with his legs spread out so she could sit between them. He wrapped the warm cloak gently around them both and he felt her relax against his shoulder. He found her cold hands underneath the cloak and held them tightly in his own.

'Did you mean it?' Severus asked after a moment.

'Mean what?' Lily said while she nuzzled up closer against his shoulder. It took a moment for Severus to recollect his courage.

'When you said that you loved me.'

'Of course I do Sev, you are my best friend.'

'I – I love you too Lily.'

'I cannot imagine a life without you Sev.'

Gently Severus kissed the top of her head, leaving Lily with a content smile on her face. Wordlessly she handed him another cigarette and lit both of them up.

'Could you tell me a story about the wizarding world?'

'Of course. What would you like me to talk about?'

'Tell me all about hallowe'en.'

'Alright,' said Severus, and drifted off into a story on the significances of bonfires, bats, and the thinning of the veil that separated the spirits from that of the mortal world.

... ... ...

Severus had forgotten when his cigarette had burned up. The rain still clattering against the glass canopy, only this time there was no trace of thunder in the air. There was nothing magical about this evening.

How long had it been?

Seven years to the day he calculated. Everything had gone downhill between them since that faithful night on the top of the Astronomy Tower.

Dumbledore had promised him to bring the Potters into hiding. He had confided Severus that the Potters had been brought to a place where Dumbledore himself used to live many years ago. Severus did not know where that place might be, but as it used to be Dumbledore's himself, he believed it to be filled with old, strong magic. Strong enough to protect her.

Still, he couldn't shake that anxious feeling of not being able to protect her. Even if she couldn't see him. Even if she didn't trust him.

He turned around and saw that Lucius had returned from putting Draco to bed. He saw Lucius place a gentle kiss on Narcissa's lips. A chill of jealously washed over him.

Lucius walked up to him and joined him on the balcony. Wordlessly, Lucius took a cigarette from the pack that lay next to Severus, and lit it with his wand. Severus took another one, not wanting to feel unsocial around the man who had given him a place to stay. Without an exchanging of words, both men stared off into the rainy darkness.

Lily had called cigarettes 'little excuses'. She said that cigarettes gave you the excuse to walk away from conversation. A temporary opportunity that granted a timed moment for you, and you alone. Cigarettes meant you didn't have to force a string of meaningless words through your mouth in order to socialize. The cigarette filtered it all. Putting a stopper to nonsense. It meant you could be together alone. For so many times they had been together alone.

Lucius had understood that.

When both men had finished their cigarettes in peace Lucius turned to Severus.

'Still no sign of the Dark Lord tonight,' he said. 'Said he had to go on some mission by himself.'

'Must be something of vital importance then,' Severus replied. 'He normally lets us do all the dirty work.' He still wasn't able to shed the ill sense of foreboding that was haunting his mind.

'This has to be the most miserable Hallowe'en to date,' Lucius said to turn the conversation. 'Normally we'd have a huge bonfire in the yard. This depressing weather is making everything impossible. Did you enjoy dinner?'

'I did' Severus said truthfully. He felt like he had been dining like a king ever since his arrival at Malfoy Manor.

'Dobby's a stupid house-elf. But he can cook. It's why we picked him in the first place. Would you care to go back inside? It's cold out here.'

Severus nodded and wordlessly followed Lucius back inside.

'Shall we call it an early night?' Narcissa said from across the room.

Severus and Lucius nodded in agreement.

Lucius had grabbed Severus's glass of wine and took a sip. Severus was glad that he no longer had to worry about that social etiquette.

They heard a faint knocking on the front door downstairs.

'Are you expecting someone Lucius?' Narcissa asked.

'Not that I know off.'

With his wand held up, Lucius walked downstairs and to the front door. He swung it open, and outside stood a fat man with watery blue eyes. His blond hair plastered against his face from the heavy rain.

'H—Hello mister Malfoy,' the fat man whimpered.

'Who are you?' Lucius demanded to know.

'Peter. Peter Pettigrew, sir,' said Peter with a frightened look on his face. 'The Dark Lord sent me here.'

Lucius did not lower his wand. 'Why are you here?' he asked in the same demanding tone.

'The Dark Lord told me to speak to mister Snape, and mister Snape alone,' Peter said with a new bitterness to his voice.

'Severus!' Lucius yelled. 'There's someone here who wants to speak to you.'

Severus slowly descended the staircase. It took him a moment to recognise the man was that he was facing.

'Pettigrew!' he sneered.

'Hello _Snivellus_ ' Peter said, his face no longer showing any sign of fear. Only repulsion. 'It's been a while since we last saw each other.'

'Why are you here Pettigrew?' Severus demanded while he pulled his wand up against Peter's throat. 'How are you associated with the Dark Lord? Speak up!'

'The Dark Lord and I have been acquainted for a while now, _Snivellus_. He has a message for you.'

'I'll leave you two alone,' said Lucius. 'But don't allow this man inside Severus. I don't trust him'.

'I won't, Lucius. You can trust me to handle this.'

Lucius disappeared up the stairs. No doubt taking his wife further upstairs to their bedroom. Not wanting her to get involved with matters between Death Eaters and the Dark Lord.

'The Dark Lord wanted to let you know that he found the Potter's residence and intends to kill the child tonight.'

The loathing that had etched into Severus's face had been replaced with that of intense fear. He grabbed Peter with one hand by his collar, shaking him roughly.

'WHERE IS HE?' Severus yelled in hit fit of rage. 'WHERE ARE THEY HIDING? TELL ME YOU FILTHY RAT!'

'I—I'm not supposed to tell you,' Peter whimpered. 'TELL ME YOU DISGUSTING PIECE OF VERMIN. THE DARK LORD WANTED ME TO BE THERE!' that last bit had been a lie. It was a feeble attempt at trying to get the information out of him.

'They—They are hiding in—in,' Peter was struggling hard to say the words. 'They went into hiding at Godric's Hollow.'

Severus let go of Peter's collar and disapparated with a loud crack, leaving Peter behind in the pouring rain.

 


	2. Church Lane, Godric's Hollow

Severus had apparated into the town's square, the rain blasting harder than it had back in Wiltshire. His heart was beating frantically in his chest.

 He was facing the front side of a pub and heard laughter echoing through the thin walls. The door of the pub swung open and an old lady stepped outside, trying to shield herself from the rain by turning up the collar of her coat.

'Please be careful out there, Miss Bagshot,' a voice called out from inside the pub. 'I will Eric, I will,' she croaked back, and with a wave of her hand she closed the door behind her.

Severus rushed up towards her. 'Ma'am! Do you know where I could find Lily Evans?'

'Lily who?'

'Lily Ev—I mean Lily Potter. Do you happen to know where she lives?'

'I can tell you are a wizard,' she said with a drunken glaze in her eyes.

'Yes I am ma'am, but do you know where she lives?' he asked pleadingly.

'I haven't seen Mrs. Potter for quite some time I'm afraid. That over there is Church Lane.' She pointed at a street where a church stood at the end with a shaking finger. 'It's where most people live in this town. Try your luck over there.'

Without another glance at the old lady Severus sped off to the street she had pointed at. He glared through the windows without trying to raise suspicion. He saw several families having their evening activities, but most of the windows had already darkened. He turned a corner and then, it happened.

With the force of a hurricane Severus was hurled backwards. A blasting noise louder than lightning striking a tower. It had looked like lightning from the corner of his eye, but Severus knew it wasn't. Lightning did not glow green…

Severus hoisted himself back up. A small cottage he hadn't seen a moment before had appeared on his right side. Parts of the roof and walls had been blown into debris.

'No,' was all he could breathe.

Without fearing the consequences, Severus ran up to the front door of the cottage. The door was half open, and he nearly tripped over the lifeless body of James Potter. He lay spread-eagled against the carpet of the hallway. A look of intense fear still etched upon his face.

'Lily!' Severus called out with a trembling voice. 'Lily are you here somewhere? Please answer me!'

'Please…'

His shoes felt like they had been filled with lead as he walked up the staircase. A shock shot through his heart with every shadow he saw casted on the walls. One of the doors had been kicked in, and as he peeked around the corner he saw a baby boy crying in his crib.

And then, he saw her.

Her body was lying in an awkward position on the floor. Her arms still spread out in front of the crib in a feeble attempt to protect her son.

It felt as if time itself seized to exist.

His knees gave in and he dropped down on the floor. He no longer felt his rain-soaked coat chilling his bones. No knife was there to pierce his heart. All of his fears, his anger and his pain had been sucked into a black hole of despair.

The only feeling that remained was emptiness.

He cradled her body in his arms, her head resting against his shoulder. Her green eyes, once so full of fiery energy, were staring blankly into nothing.

He didn't dare to look away.

... ... ...

'Sev…'

Severus was sitting on the edge of the dirty pond behind the playground, breaking twigs with his hands. He turned around and saw lily approach him.

'Hi Lily,' he muttered. Lily could sense that he was in a fowl mood.

'Is something wrong Sev?'

'Just this stupid pond,' he said irritably. 'Stupid Cokeworth factory defiling everything that was once pretty.'

'That's not all, is it?'

He grumbled something indistinguishable back.

'I'm not buying it Sev.'

He shrugged it off.

'Why are you still wearing that coat?' Lily asked as she pointed at oversized winter coat he was wearing.

He looked up at Lily's face. She had arrived barefoot in a pair of torn-up jeans and an orange t-shirt, which clashed horribly with her red hair.

'How come you haven't shriveled up yet?'

Severus hadn't even thought of that. Last year when they had met on the playground she hadn't bothered to ask about his strange clothes. Perhaps she had been too shy to do so.

'It's not healthy you know.'

'I don't care.'

'But I do Severus,' she said with a sharp edge to her voice. 'You could faint like this. Or worse, you could get a heatstroke!'

She had her arms pressed to her side in a motherly manner. Severus hated it when she did that.

'Just leave it, Lily.'

'Take it off.'

'No.'

'Take it off!'

'I don't want to!'

'I'll force you if you don't take it off!'

'Why do you care so much Lily!?'

'Because you matter to me, Severus.'

The air filled itself with electrifying tension. Severus took a moment to respond.

'What is that supposed to mean?'

'It means, mister Severus Snape,' her voice thundered 'that it was _you_ who taught me all about magic. It was _you_ who took me by the hand and helped me through my first year of school in a strange new world. It is _you_ who I confide all of my secrets to. It is _you_ who is the only consistent thing in my life. I trust you with my life, Severus, so why can't you trust me?' The cold fury on her face had transformed into silent tears.

'I'm sorry,' he whispered through his curtain of hair.

'I just don't understand,' she whispered back, and knelt down in front of him.

Severus had been afraid this moment would come sooner or later. He knew in his heart that he couldn't hide this painful secret from her forever. He just didn't know how to break it to her without fearing that she would panic and pity him. He hated being pitied.

'Can you promise me something, Lily? What I'm about to show you is my biggest fear. Promise me you won't freak out?'

She nodded.

'Promise me you won't pity me?'

'Okay'.

'Promise me you won't tell anyone?'

Lily hesitated for a moment, but eventually she said, 'I promise.'

Severus took of his coat, revealing a dirty white t-shirt underneath. His wrists were covered in bruises, and the rest of his arms showed traces of faded bruises and old scars. He didn't dare look into her eyes.

'Show me the rest,' he heard her say, and reluctantly he took of his t-shirt as well.

'Can I touch you?'

'Only if you're careful.'

He felt her finger gently trace across the many cuts and bruises that graced him upper body. Her closed his eyes, welcoming the gentle touch.

'He did this to you, didn't he?' It was more of a statement than a question.

'Yes, he did.'

'Why won't you tell anyone Sev?'

'Because I don't know what would happen to me if I did.'

'You can't continue to live like this.'

'You promised not to tell anyone.'

'I won't, but I need you to promise me something as well.'

'What would that be?'

'That you come to me whenever you feel unsafe. Climb up to my window in the middle of the night if you must, but promise me that you'll come to me.'

'I promise.'

'Look at me when you say that.'

His eyes met hers and saw the determined look that was etched upon her face.

'I promise,' he said again.

'Is there something I could do for you?' she said at last.

'Just stay close.'

'That's all?'

A strong emotional feeling that had been boiling up inside of him arose to the surface.

'Promise me that even when I hurt you with my words I need you to stay close, and even if I cut you with my fears I need you to stay close to me. Promise me you'll stay close?'

'Stay close,' he repeated, his lip trembling as he said it.

Lily locked him into a tight embrace, his tears staining her shirt.

'I promise I'll stay close.'

... ... ...

'Severus…'

Severus knew that the grave voice had come from Dumbledore, who was standing in the doorway, looking down on him.

'No,' was all he could croak, choking back his tears.

'You have no choice, Severus.'

'I can't leave her here like this,' he whimpered. 'It's not right.'

'Harry has to be brought to a safe place. It is time for you to leave.'

Severus understood that he could not be seen here when the authorities arrived. He placed his forehead against hers. 'I'm so sorry I failed you,' he whispered to her.

He gazed once more into her eyes. The eyes that once sparked like a relentless unpredictable storm. He closed her eyes gently with his fingers, never to be gazed upon again.

He placed her body back on the floor and faced Dumbledore. His piercing blue eyes were filled with bitter sorrow.

Severus stood up and faced the man before him.

'I want to leave,' Severus stated.

'And where would you go, Severus?'

'I don't care.'

'That is out of the question.'

'Just make way old man!' Severus gritted through his teeth. Dumbledore remained standing in the doorway. Unyielding.

Dumbledore pulled out a small instrument from his pocket that looked like a cigarette lighter. 'I turned this deluminator into a portkey,' he said. 'It will send you directly to my office at Hogwarts. It may be a while before I can join you there Severus, so I need you to stay there and wait for me.'

Severus snatched the deluminator out of Dumbledore's hand.

'Fine,' he snapped. 'Fine, I'll go!'

'Don't look back,' said Dumbledore.

He felt the sickening sensation of a hook pulling him from behind his navel. His feet lifting off the ground as he swirled off into nothingness. Leaving Lily behind for good.


	3. Dumbledore's Office, Hogwarts

Once the sickening sensation of traveling by portkey had subsided, Severus dared to open his eyes. He stood in the centre of a circular room. Floating candles illuminating the many books and portraits that decorated the walls. Even in Scotland the rain clattered merciless against the windows.

Severus breathed heavily. He had the deluminator clutched tightly into his trembling hand. Without a second thought he hurled the deluminator across the room. The lower part of the window shattered, allowing rain to pour inside and defuse some of the candles that were floating near it.

A rage had started to brew up inside him like he had never felt before. Blinding anger made him hurl everything across the room that he could lay his hands on. Delicate silver instruments cut through his hands as they broke into a million pieces. His bloodied hands stained the books he chucked at the portraits, the portraits begging him to stop.

'Shut up, JUST SHUT UP!' he yelled, his voice shaking in fury.

When he could no longer find objects within arms reach to throw, he slammed his fists against the wall. His mind was screaming, but no sound came out. He kept throwing punches until his knuckles bruised and a sharp pain shot through his arm.

He stepped away from the wall and dragged himself into the chair in front of the desk. He slumped forward, his injured hand placed on the desk in front of him. Some of the bones in his hand felt broken.

... ... ...

'Have a great Christmas professor Slughorn!' Lily said as she and Severus left the last Potion lesson of the year, and closed the door behind her. Lily nudged Severus in the ribs. 'I forgot to tell you that mum owled me back. She told me you can spend Christmas at our place this year if you'd like.'

Severus face went dark as quickly as it had lit up.

'What's the matter? Don't you want to spend Christmas with me any more?'

'I do, Lily. I'd love to spend Christmas with you for a change it's just – it means I would have to go back home as well.'

Severus had remained at the castle the previous two Christmases. It gave him the chance to explore the castle without being interrupted by people or schoolwork. He could read all the books in the library he wanted. Brew every potion that he felt like brewing, and most importantly, he could avoid having to see his father until the end of the school year. Lily knew of his troubles at home.

'You remember my promise, right? You know you can always come to me if things get out of hand.'

'I know that Lily it's just – it's not easy.'

Lily nodded in understanding, looking a little gloomy.

'Oh, don't get my wrong,' sensing her disappointment. 'I still want to come. I really do. I'll have to let mom know I'm coming home this time.'

Lily smiled, and the friends separated as Severus went up to the owlery to send a letter to his mother, while Lily went up to the great hall for lunch.

A few days later the train from Hogsmeade left to go back to London. They found an empty compartment near the end of the train, and they hurled their suitcases on the rack above them. Severus sat down next to her, wrapping his cloak tightly around his body for warmth.

'Has your mother owled you back yet?' Lily asked.

'She has. Said it wasn't such a good idea for me to come home, but if I insisted...'

'Is she coming to pick you up at King's Cross?'

Severus had entirely forgotten to ask if his mother could pick him up. 'Oh no,' he groaned. 'I forgot to tell her when I'd be back.'

'It's fine. I'm sure my parents can take you with us.'

Severus's face disappeared behind his curtain of hair, hiding the shame that had appeared on his cheeks. He liked Lily's family. Even Petunia was okay from time to time, even though he felt as if she was always keeping a close eye on him. As if she didn't trust him around her sister. He couldn't entirely blame her. He came from a dodgy part of town and always looked like a shabby mess compared to the Evans girls.

'Would you like to read?' Lily asked him to turn the conversation. He nodded. She pulled out a book from her suitcase called _Arctic & Equatorial Dragons _that she had found in the library. 'I thought we were not supposed to bring library books outside of school?' Severus asked. 'Ignorance is bliss,' Lily said while wiggling her eyebrows in a mischievous manner. 'You and your stupid Gryffindorian recklessness,' he sneered, but he couldn't suppress a laugh either. Severus shuffled as closely as he could next to her. They joined heads, and started to read until they reached platform nine and three quarters.

'Hello Lily,' said Mr. and Mrs. Evans, 'and hello Severus. It's good to see you both.'

'Hi mum. Hi dad. Could Severus ride home with us?' she asked as she gave both her parents a hug. 'He forgot to tell his parents when he was coming home.'

'Of course love,' said Mrs. Evans. 'How have you been doing Severus?'

'Alright I guess,' he mumbled. The affectionate displays between Lily and her family always made him feel slightly uncomfortable.

'You look a bit tired Severus. We'll make sure you get home safe,' Mr. Evans said to him.

'Thanks,' said Severus, his head hanging low.

The car ride home had mainly consisted of chatter about school and the plans that the Evans family had made for Christmas. Soon, the factory that towered over Cokeworth came into view, and Severus's uplifted spirit disappeared like snow in the sun.

'We're nearly there,' said Mr. Evans. 'What number was it you lived on, Severus?'

'It's one thirty-seven, all the way at the end of the street.'

They stopped in front of the shabby looking house. All of the curtains had been drawn.

'Are you sure someone's home Severus?' Mrs. Evans asked.

'I'm sure mom's home,' he replied. 'She hardly ever leaves the house.'

'Want me to get your suitcase from the trunk?' Mr. Evans asked.

'No thank you, I'll grab it myself. Thank you for the ride home,' he said as he opened the car's door.

'I'm sure we'll get to see you before Christmas day,' Mrs. Evans said lovingly. 'Goodnight Severus.'

Severus's eyes met Lily's. 'I'll be alright,' he whispered so only she could hear. 'I'll see you later.'

He grabbed his suitcase and watched the Evans family turn the corner before he knocked on the door. To his disappointment, his father answered.

'Why are you here boy?' he asked with an air of authority.

'I came home for Christmas.'

'You know we don't do Christmas around here.'

'Mum knew I was coming home.'

'She didn't tell me a damn thing about that.'

'May I please come in?'

He roughly grabbed Severus by his wrist and dragged him inside. 'Wait in the living room until your mum comes back.'

'Where did she go?' Severus asked. He wasn't used to his mother being away from the house. She only ever left when it was absolutely necessary, and Severus was afraid something bad might have happened to her.

'That's none of your business.'

'It is my business if she's hurt!'

'She's a freak of a witch. She can look after herself!'

'My mother is _not_ a freak' Severus spat. He knew he had crossed an invisible line.

'What was that you just said, _boy_?'

'I SAID, MY MOTHER IS NOT A FREAK!'

He didn't see the first blow coming. A large fist hit him square in the eye. 'THINK YOU CAN JUST START YELLING AT ME YOU INSOLENT BOY!' Severus felt another blow to his stomach. 'THINK YOU CAN JUST WALK IN HERE UNWANTED AND SPEAK AGAINST ME!' Severus felt a tight grip around his left wrist and was slammed against the floor. 'YOU AND YOUR MOTHER, BOTH FREAKS!' Severus felt bones crack as his father stomped on his hand. An excruciating pain shot through his body.

'STAND UP' he barked. 'STAND UP I SAID!'

Severus did as he was told, his eyes having trouble focusing due to the pain.

'Look at me boy.' Severus's father said as he pulled his head up by his hair, his dark eyes meeting its dark equivalent. 'Why did you come here?'

Severus couldn't answer that. The only reason why he had come back in the first place was to spend Christmas with Lily. He didn't want his father to know about her. Instead, he recollected all the courage he had left to ask his father the one thing he had ever wanted to ask him.

'Why do you not want me, dad?' he asked, choking back the tears that had formed in the corners of his eyes.

'Because you don't matter to me.'

A spark had ignited inside Severus's mind. It was time to go to the one place where he did matter. As swiftly as he could he turned around and ran out of the door. The adrenaline rush that was caused by his swift action was flowing through his veins. In record time he had made it to Lily's house. He stopped in front of the back door. He knew Lily's room was right above it, having been there a few times before.

He struggled to get on top of the rubbish bin, the adrenaline making it just bearable enough to use his broken wrist. There was a ledge that separated the upper from the lower floor. A rain pipe was right next to her window. A light was on in her room and he knew she had to be there. With the use of the rain pipe he made it to the ledge and looked through the window. He saw her lying in her bed, leafing through a Muggle magazine. He gently knocked on her window with his right hand.

She nearly fell out of bed in shock and scrambled back up to open the window.

He climbed through, landing carefully onto her bed.

Then she saw it. A large purple circle had started to form around his eye. She clasped her hands in front of her mouth. 'Oh Sev…'

'Please don't pity me.'

'I'm not,' she said as she sat down next to him on the bed, grabbing his left hand.

'Ouch!' Severus yelped as he winced in pain.

'Is everything okay in there?' Lily's mother called from behind the door.

'Yes mum! I just stubbed my toe,' Lily lied.

'What the hell happened to you?' she gritted through her teeth, making sure her mother couldn't hear.

'Dad happened,' he said, choking back tears. 'I think my wrist might be broken.'

Lily got off the bed and kneeled down in front of him, placing her forehead against his.

'I cannot keep this a secret from my parents,' she said.

'Please don't tell them,' Severus begged. Tears had started to flow freely on his face.

'Your wrist needs to be looked at Sev, and besides, it's not as if you can climb back out of the window and pretend nothing happened. Also, my parents probably won't appreciate it that I'm hiding a teenage boy in my room.' Through all the pain and tears, Severus couldn't help but smile a little at that.

'You need help Severus. Please allow me to give you that.'

'He doesn't want me, Lily,' Severus whispered through his tears.

'I want you. That ought to be enough.'

Another shock of pain shot through his body, and Severus let out another involuntary screech.

This time Lily's mother knocked on the door. 'Are you sure you're alright in there sweetheart? Do you want me to come in?'

'Just give me a minute mum. I'm changing into my pyjamas.'

'Listen to me, Severus,' she whispered into his ear. 'Whatever happens tonight. Let it happen. We will need to take you to the hospital for your wrist. Just let it happen. If authorities need to get involved because of your dad, just let it happen.'

'Please stay close to me.'

'I will never leave your side.' She kissed his forehead in a reassuring manner. 'I promise.'

... ... ...

Severus felt the painful throbbing in his hand, the same hand that had once been broken before so many years ago. He heard a door open and close. Dumbledore had returned and took his seat on the other side of the desk.

Severus lifted his head. His face must have looked like he had lived through a hundred years of misery.

'I found my deluminator on the grounds,' said Dumbledore as he held up the silver instrument, and placed it on the desk before him.

Severus did not respond to that.

'I thought…you were going…to keep her…safe…' said Severus while drawing shallow breaths.

'She and James put their faith in the wrong person,' said Dumbledore. 'Rather like you, Severus. Weren't you hoping that Lord Voldemort would spare her?'

Severus didn't answer.

'Her son survived,' said Dumbledore. 'Hagrid is taking care of him for the moment.'

Severus jerked his head. 'So I noticed…'

'Her son lives. He has her eyes, precisely her eyes. You remember the shape and colour of Lily Evans's eyes, I am sure?'

'DON'T!' bellowed Severus. 'Gone…dead…'

'Is this remorse, Severus?'

'I wish…I wish _I_ were dead…'

'And what use would that be to anyone?' said Dumbledore coldly. 'If you loved Lily Evans, if you truly loved her, than your way forward is clear.'

It took a long time before Dumbledore's words reached him.

'What – what do you mean?'

'You know how and why she died. Make sure it was not in vain. Help me protect Lily's son.'

'He doesn't need protection. The Dark Lord has gone –'

'—the Dark Lord will return, and Harry Potter will be in terrible danger when he does.'

There was a long pause, and slowly Severus regained control of himself, mastering his own breathing. At last he said, 'Very well. Very well. But never – never tell, Dumbledore! This must be between us! Swear it! I cannot bear…especially Potter's son…I want your word!'

My word, Severus, that I shall never reveal the best of you?' Dumbledore sighed, looking down into Severus's ferocious anguished face. 'If you insist…'

Dumbledore looked around his office. 'It seems that you have given my office quite the trashing, Severus.'

Severus grumbled, not feeling sorry at all.

'Did something happen to your hand?'

'I think I broke it,' he mumbled.

'Would you like me to heal it for you?'

Severus nodded, no longer wanting to deal with the throbbing pain.

Dumbledore casted an incantation and a warm glow ran from his elbow to the tips of his fingers. The bones in his hand were mended, but the bloodstains remained.

Severus noticed the clock behind Dumbledore. It was little past eleven. 'There's something I must do Dumbledore' Severus said as he recollected himself.

'I would prefer it if you didn't leave the castle tonight.'

'I wasn't planning on leaving, but there is something that I must do.'

'Feel free to do what you must.'

Severus got up and left through the door, making way towards the Astronomy Tower. Several minutes later he arrived at the top and walked up towards the ledge, clasping both his blood stained hands tightly around the copper beam.

He drew a deep breath and spoke into the raining darkness with his head bowed.

'Seven years ago to the day, you and I sat here, and you taught me how to make a spark with a snap of my fingers. I wrapped you up in my warm cloak and you made me tell you a story about Hallowe'en. How on this particular day it is believed that the veil between our world and that of the spirit world is thinnest. I do not know of this to be the truth, but right now I want to believe it more than anything.'

He drew another deep breath to pull himself together.

'I don't know on whose side I belong now. The only side where I have ever felt like I belonged was yours. Whatever it is that the future has in store for me, I just wanted to ask you, if you can hear me, to stay close to me like you used to do.'

'Stay close.'


End file.
